


Pizza Delivery

by crapso



Series: Tumblr Prompts [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Blood and Injury, Comedy, Guns, Gunshot Wounds, Hitman AU, something stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 10:31:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5160479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crapso/pseuds/crapso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Anonymous: </b>You should do some kind of haikyuu!! hitman au or gun au or something cool like that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pizza Delivery

**Author's Note:**

> lol idek  
> Iwachan DIES

Hinata stared down the barrel of the gun.

He screwed up his face into a stubborn expression and glared down the dark hole, looking up at the holder of the gun.

“Kageyama…” He muttered lowly, “Don’t do this.”

Kageyama narrowed his eyes and slipped his finger around the trigger, speaking deeply, “Pick it up, and put it on.”

“No.”

“Hinata, I swear-“

“Hey!” Suga ran up the apartment stairwell, waving his hands haphazardly, “Idiots, what are you two idiots doing?! This is a fucking public stairwell, Kageyama put away the handgun.”

“Hinata won’t put on the rest of his disguise!” Kageyama pointed and jerked the gun at the shorter, narrow-eyed male, “He won’t put on the hat, he’s gonna blow our whole fucking cover!”

“We’re  _pizza delivery boys not priests!”_ Hinata hissed wildly and stepped closer to the barrel, “And I  _told_  you, ball caps give me  _HAT. HAIR.”_

“Is your lack of hat hair more important than the safety of every Japanese citizens’ social security numbers?! Huh, HINATA?!”

“I DON’T KNOW.” Hinata shouted and stepped closer to Kageyama’s face, eyes wild and teeth gritted, “IS EVERY JAPANESE CITIZENS’ HAPPINESS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE AND MY-” Kageyama pushed the gun between them and pressed it against Hinata’s forehead, “-TIME WHERE I HAVE TO WAKE UP AND FOLLOW VERY SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS ON MY HAIR GEL PACKAGE AND SHOWER FOR A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME- OH, DO IT!” Hinata pressed his forehead further into the gun.

“HINATA, YOU-“

“FUCKING PULL THE TRIGGER, PULL IT!”

 ** _“OW!”_** They both cried in unison as Suga landed a heavy fist on the top of each of their heads, Kageyama pulling his gun away and rubbing his head while Hinata frowned and whimpered.

“Jesus…” He whined, “Hostile work environment here.”

“Yeah, Suga, that was a little too far.”

“You!” Suga pointed at Kageyma, “Shut up and get your pistol. And you!” He pointed at Hinata, “Put on the goddamn hat and get your pizza.”

“But my ha-”

Suga swiped Kageyama’s handgun out of his hand and turned to point it at Hinata with a ‘click’, whispering, “You dress up as a fucking pizza delivery boy right now or I swear to God, Hinata Shouyou I will blow your brains out all over this apartment stairwell.”

Both boys stared at him in shock with wide eyes until Hinata turned around the grabbed the ball cap, putting it on backwards with a quiet,  _“Jeez…”_

Suga sighed and handed Kageyama back his bun, smoothing down his black rain jacket, “Don’t wait for them to invite you in, just shoot whoever answers the door.”

“What if it’s a child.” Kageyama said with a wooden face, loading the magazine for his pistol. Suga frowned at him.

“Kageyama, we’ve talked about this. Also, the guy doesn’t have children.”

“What if he’s babysitting.”

“What if it’s a dog!” Hinata said in between the bullets stuck in his teeth as he loaded his pistol near the bright window of the stairwell, “What if a dog answers the door, Suga, then what!”

“Can you not- get away from the window?”

“Dogs can’t answer doors, stupid.” Kageyama said gruffly.

“You don’t know!” Hinata popped his clip back into his gun, “I’ve seen some dogs online, they do some freaky things. Planet of the apes? More like planet of the chow chows.”

“Oh my  _God_.” Suga whined and covered his face for a moment.

“Suga, are you feeling alright?” Kageyama asked with a concern.

 _“Am I feeling-_  No. No, I am not feeling alright, Kageyama, because this is a  _big, fucking job_ and you guys are standing here- talking about- chow chows!”

Hinata frowned and whispered, “A chow chow bit my sister five years ago… gave her rabies.”

“Oh my God, really?” Suga’s eyes widened, “Hinata- I am so s-“

“Nah, I’m just fucking with you!” Hinata waved his gun and smiled, “She’s fine. Got you good though, right?” Kageyama laughed lowly next to him, a chuckled out “Huh huh…” as Suga covered his face again for a moment before removing it and folding his hands in front of his mouth.

“Okay.” He whispered, “I understand, that you two just finished training but do  _you_ understand that this is a  _really_  big job and if Daichi wasn’t in Taiwan right now-“

“He would be on this like how you are usually on him.” Hinata nodded with understanding, “I get it. But you should trust us more!”

“Uh,” Suga said, “I’m sorry, back up, what did you say?”

“That you should trust us more!”

“No,  _before_  that.”

“Hinata’s right,” Kageyama fixed his false name tag and picked up an empty, cardboard pizza box, “I get it that this guy is apparently about to hack into all of Japan’s online archives and steal every single legal citizen’s social security number but you know!” He shrugged, “Me and Hinata…  _aced_  that obstacle course!”

“That we did.” Hinata pointed his gun at him and nodded seriously, “Mhm, that we did.”

“This isn’t training, though!” Suga said quickly, “Just- promise you’ll follow the plan!”

“Plan shman.” Hinata snorted.

“Hinata- I swear to God, I will record you saying that and get you fired.”

“Oh,” Hinata said seriously, “where I come from-“

“We grew up in the same town.”

“-repeating a word but with a ‘sh’ in the front of it, is an honour of respect for the word. In other terms… ‘plan shman’ means, we respect your plan.”

Kageyama chuckled again before bowing suddenly, “Plan shman, we respect your plan.” Hinata cracked up beside him but Suga just made a face.

“Tobin, why do you always act like such an idiot only whenever Hinata’s around.”

Kageyama said breathlessly, “He makes me laugh.”

“Just go- go up the stairs!” Suga pointed up the staircase and both boys started up the concrete staircases with their guns tucked behind their shirts in their pants, cardboard boxes balanced in their hands. Suga sighed and watched them go.

“You two are just lucky the guy decided hacking and pizza is a good combination.”

Kageyama chuckled emptily into the echoing hallway, “Don’t we all…”

“Kageyama, I know for a fact you haven’t gotten into your own email account in three years.” Hinata said.

“I can never answer my own security questions….”

“Just-  _Go shoot him!”_ Suga hissed after them.

* * *

“You  _said_  you wanted extra cheese! BAM BAM BAM!”

“No- no, that’s stupid.”

 _“That’s_  stupid?”

“Yes- what does it even mean. What does it even mean, Kageyama.”

“It’s better than yours!”

“Wanna pizza this? That is a  _perfectly_  good catch phrase you say before you’re about to shoot someone holding a pizza.”

“No.”

“No?!”

“I don’t like it.”

Kageyama and Hinata stood at the apartment door of their target, holding their boxes as they argued in quiet voices.

“Put your cap back on forwards.” Kageyama hissed, “We look like idiots when we don’t match.”

“ _We_  look like idiots.”

“Yes!”

“Alright,” Hinata said, “like this like this-“ He adjusted his face to a serious expression before uttering,  _“Wanna pizza this?_ BAM BAM BAM!” He turned his fingers into guns as Kageyama shook his head next to him.

“No. No.”

“BAM-”

“I don’t like it.”

“BAM BAM-” The door opened they were both cut off, looking up quickly with wide eyes. Hinata looked down at his hand in the form of a gun before quickly slipping it behind his back and smiling.

“Um…” The man with short, black spiked hair glared at them, “Pizza?”

“No, it’s Ken!” Hinata laughed loudly and shook his head before breathlessly saying, “Just kidding! Yeah- yeah, we got your pizza.” Kageyama laughed nervously next to him once until they both held out their boxes. The man ignored them, grabbing the boxes and pulling out his wallet quickly.

“Great, how much do I owe you?”

Hinata and Kageyama looked at each other once in confusion, until blurting out in unison.

“Um- twenty?”

“More than-“

“Well- four pizzas? That could be- a lot, I guess. We’re really not-“

“I think forty.”

The man at the door stared at them in bafflement, making a face as they kept talking.

“Take four, divide it by a hundred- nope, take a hundred, divide it by four-“

“I just know it’s more than twenty.”

“How about we charge like, individually- the crust, then the cheese-“

“Okay, that’s just more confusing. How do you divide something by cheese?”

“Okay, okay, okay, you know what? Here.” The man pulled out a stack of even bills, “Forty, there we go. Sounds good?”

“Great!” Hinata looked down at the money and frowned, “Hey, man, the price was forty?” The man at the door was about to shut the door but glared instead, “What?”

“So… where’s our tip?”

“Seriously?” He snapped, “You guys were late, and I think I just missed five birthdays waiting for you two dimwits to come up with a price.” He snorted and turned to walk away, pushing the door closed behind him, “Here’s a tip: don’t be a waste of my time.”

**_Thump._ **

The door closed on Hinata’s foot, blocking it and the man stopped in his tracks but didn’t turn around. He blinked down at the cardboard boxes, slowly, before lifting up a trembling hand and opening one, noticing it was empty.

He dropped them to the floor and turned around, face paling as he locked eyes with Hinata glaring and pointing a pistol at him.

“Here’s a tip,” Hinata said,  _“tip.”_ He shot a direct bullet into the man’s forehead, causing a trickle of blood to pool out before the man lurched forward and fell on his knees, before toppling entirely to the floor. Hinata lowered his gun and breathed out heavily, Kageyama looking down at him and smiling.

“I liked this. ‘Here’s a tip: tip?’ That’s nice, real nice. Simple. Did you just come up with that now?”

“Yeah.” Hinata shrugged and grinned up at him, “Yeah it just- came to me.”

“Rea nice.”

“Yeah.”

“Iwa-chan,” a voice from around the corner spoke as a man came out with large headphones on, not hearing the previous gun shot, in nothing but alien-patterned briefs as he smiled down at his phone, “I’m almost done but I was wondering if you wanted to make some guacamole after this so we can use up all those fucking avoca…” He looked up and his voice faded away, pulling down his headphones so you could hear the faint sound of his loud music playing out loud. He stared down, mouth hanging open at the familiar body lying down on the floor, collecting a pool of blood, and back up at the two men in front of him with pizza delivery hats and guns in their hands. He turned around and ran.

 _“SHIT-“_ Hinata leapt up and over the body to chase after him, the man slipping around the corner on his socks before tipping over an end table in Hinata’s path, almost causing it to land on Hinata’s feet and he gasped and jumped back before gripping his gun tighter and growling.

“Oh, you little-“ He climbed over the fallen table and chased after him in the kitchen, “You almost got my toes, you Mark Zuckerberg piece of shit!”

“Mark Zuckerberg!” The man laughed shrilly and grabbed a stack of plates from the cupboard, jumping behind the island in the kitchen so they were on opposite sides, “That’s the best you can do!”

“Don’t patronize me you’re wearing  _aliens_  on your  _ass,_ you fucking nerd!” Hinata pointed the gun at his briefs before ducking as the man frisbee-d a plate across the room, smashing into the wall behind Hinata. He jerked back up but squeaked and ducked back down as another plate hurled in his direction.

“Dammit-“ He hissed, crouched down, “KAGEYAMAWHEREAREYOUCOMEHELPME.”

“Coming!” Kageyama called from the other room, gently tip-toeing around the body lying down on the floor, “Excuse me…” He whispered.

_“KAGEYAMA!”_

“COMING!” He roared back before rushing into the other room, aiming his gun at the man holding the stack of plates, looking up at him in shock.

“Hey…” He said gently, “We don’t want to hurt you, just put. The plates. Down. We can all be civil here, Martha Stewart.”

“UH.” Hinata said loudly behind the counter, “We don’t have to be! And we kind of  _do_  want to hurt him, Kageyama.”

“Yeah, but  _he_  doesn’t know that, Hinata.” Kageyama said with gritted teeth, “So get the fuck up. And  _slowly_.”

The man’s eyes darted between the two rapidly, before shakily setting down the stack of plates on the counter, whispering, “Promise you won’t hurt me?”

“Yes.” Kageyama said, “We promise.”

The man started to back up, hands in the air-

“MYAHA!” Hinata popped up quickly from the counter and shot in the man’s direction, ricocheting off a nearby, metal lamp and burying the bullet into a glass cupboard as the man cried and ducked before scrambling away from the kitchen.

“Shit- HINATA!” Kageyama roared angrily at him as the man stumbled into a nearby bathroom and shut the door, locking it, “HE WON’T TRUST US NOW!”

“WE DON’T  _WANT_  HIM TO, KAGEYAMA!” Hinata screeched him back, “WE WANT HIM DEAD.” They glared at each other for a sharp, hot moment before both of them diverted their attention to the sounds coming from the bathroom.

“Shit- he’s trying to escape!” They both ran towards the door and Kageyama threw his shoulder roughly against it.

“He’s going through the window- He’s getting away, Kageyama!”

“I-  _know_.” Kageyama got out between attempting to bust the door down. “No, no!” Hinata cried, “I mean shoot him! Shoot him!”

“I don’t-“ Kageyama grunted out with every push, “-kill people- unless- it’s an  _emergency.”_

“Oh,  _WOW.”_ Hinata laughed humourlessly, “Every hitman’s fucking motto!”

“Unlike what you just did,” Kageyama panted,”with that innocent guy who just wanted his pizza!”

“SHOOT THE FUCKING TARGET, KAGEYAMA, IT’S OUR FIRST JOB OUT OF TRAINING.” Hinata boomed, Kageyama staring at him in shock. Hinata shook his head at him and pulled out his clip, reloading, “Fuck.”

“Hinata-”

“If you don’t do your fucking job I will.” He aimed his gun at the door.

 _“Hina-!”_ Kageyama leapt and tackled him right when Hinata pulled the trigger, causing his aim to be off as he was pinned to the floor and the bullet to miss the door, instead aiming perfectly at the doorknob and shooting it clean off. It fell to the floor with a clatter and both boys lifted their heads to stare, giving each other glances before pushing and shoving each other to scramble to their feet.

Hinata pushed Kageyama down roughly and made it to the door, kicking it open freely and sighing with little surprise at the empty, small bathroom—lit with the light from the open window where a curtain was floating.

“Fuck.” He hissed as Kageyama stood beside him, sighing.

“Only kill people if it’s an emergency,” Hinata hissed,  _“bullshit._ What hitman says ass-crap like that. _”_

Kageyama exhaled softly, “He… looked like someone I used to know. I just- didn’t want to shoot him right away.” Hinata glared up at him before turning to him.

“Kageyama, three days ago I had to kill a redhead. A  _redhead_.” He pointed his gun at his own head, “Do you know how rare we are? Speaking of which-“ He pulled off his cap and smoothed back his wild, untamed hair, muttering, “Fucking- look at this mess.” He pointed to the empty bathroom as they both stood side-by-side to stare at it, “And look at this mess! How the  _fuck_  are we gonna explain to Suga that are first job was a bust. I- we’re going to get fired.”

“We’re not going to get fired.”

“You’re right, we’re not,  _you_  are.”

Kageyama sighed again, “He’s just gonna be mad because we didn’t follow his plan.”

“Right. Which was?”

“I don’t know, I wasn’t listening when he explained it twice.”

“Me either.” Hinata said softly and bit his lip, “Fuck. Fucking-“ He shook his head and gripped his gun, “You are so screwed.” Kageyama glared at the bathroom window and ignored him as he kept talking.

“So screwed. You’re fucked, man. You’re past fucked- you’re  _done_. You’re already shipped off this planet, on the SS Fucked going to planet Screwed, that’s how totally done you are. You- Suga’s going to have your head on a fucking- silver platter. Do you think we should go? To a store that sells silver platters- should we just go to an antique store?” Hinata waved his gun, staring intensely at Kageyama who was still ignoring him, “Get you a silver platter, for your head? Make it easier? You know what I think I think-”

Kageyama aimed his gun and shot at Hinata’s foot. The loud sound resonated through the small, tiled room as the bullet dug into Hinata’s shoe and he dropped his gun and screamed.

 ** _“MOTHER-”_** Hinata screeched, “FU- HAHA- UCK! FUCK!” He hopped on one foot while holding the other, whining, blood oozing out.

“Oh- ugh!” He whimpered loudly, “Kageyama, you _piece of shit!”_  He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, sweat dripping down his face, whispering in pain, “You only said you shot people for emergencies.”

“No.” Kageyama smiled, “I only said I  _killed_  people for emergences. Don’t worry, your time will come.”

“Eugh-  _meh_ \- ahah…” Hinata made breathy, whiny sounds of pain, pouting and glaring hard up at his partner, “I’m telling Daichi.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> idk


End file.
